Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The year of certain uncertainty.

A little more than a week into the new year and I find myself at a precarious crossroad of sorts. With three major exams, a long overdue trip to Hawai'i, and an imminent change of apartments just days away, I seem to be dancing along a a thin line of actions and reactions that could take me in any number of directions. Admittedly, the lack of insight as to how things will pan out is both thrilling and terrifying at the same time, yet I'm trying my best to stay focused and to remember that it is this very uncertainty that used to be such a source of inspiration. There is, after all, nothing sure in life, nothing but the constant change that pulls us through one phase of life and into the next- an infinite cycle which many take far too little notice of.

It feels as though I have been running for the past six months- avoiding my new apartment for a lack of feeling at home there, neglecting to keep in touch with my loved ones, pushing away the questions of where I am going and why. Until now, I have never quite realized the importance of having my own little corner in the world in which I feel at peace and am able to process and reflect upon the occurrences of everyday life, but there is nothing that instills an appreciation for this place and this state of mind like a half year of quasi-nomadic existence. From today on, I will spend every day studying, writing exams, packing, moving my things into storage, and preparing myself mentally for the transitions which lie ahead.

I leave for Hawai'i on the 17th, where I'll be spending three glorious weeks with G on the island of my childhood. I'm sure that this time will be filled with sunshine, delicious food, good conversations, back-breaking hikes and many lazy hours at the beach. After returning to Holland in early February, I'll be faced immediately with a new semester of juggling work, school, and the task of finding a new apartment. My dear friend Melati has offered to let me store all my things at her place and use her room as a home base until she returns from her trip Indonesia at the end of the month, something that I am eternally grateful for, though the thought of returning here to find myself essentially homeless is more than slightly unnerving.

The rest of the year will see me through my internship, graduation and many other transitions which I am very eager to experience. What I want, more than anything, is for this to be a year of both progress and regression. By progress I mean by finishing this step of my education and finally making time for all the other things I want to be doing, and regression in the sense that I will push myself to see the world around me with the same wonder and awe that I once did and document it with the same fervor that used to come so effortlessly.

2008 was a difficult year, but it was not without its moments of pure bliss, nor lessons of incalculable value. Through all the leaps forward and crippling stumbles back, the one thing which I have always known, but not been able to see clearly is that life is to be lived without reservation or preconceived expectations. It is the very certain uncertainty of it that makes it so beautiful and so misunderstood, this breathtaking unpredictability which is the key to its allure.

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