"Clarity of mind means clarity of passion too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves."
- Blaise Pascal
While time may not necessarily heal all, it certainly allows one to gradually obtain a certain sense of clarity, an ability to create a more complete picture from the tiny fragments and clouded details that once seemed unrelated. The confusion is still there, compounded by the pain and humiliation of betrayal, but somehow things seem to fit together differently now. My emotions change with the moment and range from desperate attempts at rationalization to indifference, from bouts of seething anger to tears of utter defeat and surrender. I see now what I could not, would not see all along. And while the truth hurts more than I ever could have imagined possible, I can't help but think that it's better for me to realize it now, rather than continue down a path that was doomed to fail from the very beginning.
Love is a beautiful thing, a passionate dance in an empty street, a delicate intertwining of fingers, hearts and dreams. But all too often I find myself standing alone in that street, clutching at thin air when I reach for your hand. I can see your love glimmering in the distance, but like a star that's simply too far away, its light must travel too long, must shine upon so many others before reaching me that by the time it does, so little of it remains.
There seems to be so much that I cannot give you, because you simply do not need it from me. In words and photographs and scraps of poetry in a box, one holds your thoughts and your dreams, in memories and old love and secretive morning embraces, another holds your heart and your past. And even to those that with tales and laughter and amusement hold your friendship and your loyalty, you will not let me get closer. Your whole life, mind, body and spirit are like a fortress to which you will not grant me passage and I have been standing outside alone, pulling and pounding at the walls with my small hands for far too long. I cannot compete with the beauty of stolen words and the thrill of the unknown, nor with the ties of history and poorly veiled residual emotions. I will not swallow my pride and stand aside as you decide that everywhere and everyone and everything is more important to you than I am. I realize that pride has no place in love, but just as your light, my humility only goes so far.